Weep and Wail

How do you get through one of the darkest times in your life?

I'm struggling with this right now. I am latching on to everything that has ever had any meaning to me. Maybe out of fear.

I wish I could wrap Dylan up, keep him from ever feeling this way. I wish I could make sense of life's hurdles, life's terrifying, uncertain moments. I wish I could find some comfort. somewhere.
...something.

I keep hoping that someday, I'll forget the hurt, or at least it will dull a little. I'll forget the reason why I've cried, who has caused me pain. I'll be confident that the definition of freedom is not revenge, I won't question it. Things will unfold in their own time, in their own way, and I won't be scared.

That day isn't today.

You're my world. Nothing is certain, but I know you're my heart.

"Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and learning how to live with insecurity is the only security." -John Allen Paulos

Home Is Wherever I'm With You

Summer is over and Dylan is back to school. Operation:Stay At Home Mom has been aborted and I have joined the working force again.

Just like that, in the mornings I put Dylan on the bus and in the evenings Derek! gets him off the bus and all of the lists and peaceful moments and tidy house days are gone before they ever began.

I sent my resume in for a position I didn't care if I got or not and they hired me. Now I am working in an office that I don't care about because we could really use the money and sanity is relative. My time with Dylan isn't hugely affected. He is home for about an hour by the time I get home.

The wedding is less than two months away and I can't believe it. All of our hard work will finally come to an end and I will be a married woman. Our bridal shower is next weekend and I am reminded of what a remarkable amount of progress has been made since Derek! and I began this journey together.

I can't go into too much because it will make me emotional, but I will say that things move at such an incredible pace, at times I can't determine how to feel before they change again. Derek!, however, has remained my constant and I know that everything else - anything else - can change and ultimately we'll be ok. Nothing is promised, and that skepticism has always scared me. I have always spent so much of my time and energy waiting for all of my plans made in a fit of optimism to fail.

I have always assumed things wouldn't be without a snag, somehow found comfort in the uncertainty. Now I find comfort in knowing I won't be uncertain alone. We have so much to look forward to. The future is bright.

Daily Gratitude

1. Coffee
2. Double Stuffed Oreos
3. Derek
4. Lists
5. Derek

Chapter Nine Million

Dylan got on the bus for third grade this morning. It went too fast and I wasn't ready. I stood in the front yard for a few minutes before it hit me that he was leaving for the whole day.

What.the.hell.am.I.going.to.do.with.myself?

Because my life suddenly and officially lacks direction, I sat down and made a list titled 'Things I Wanted To Do When Dylan Goes Back To School' - because without a list, life has no reason.

So very much went on this summer. As teenage-angsty as it sounds, I'm coming out of this summer a different person. Dylan too.

I'm working on so many new things, I pray I don't drop the ball. I'll work hard to keep things updated a little better than before.

Daily Gratitude

1. School Buses
2. My Bike
3. In-Laws
4. The Spoken Word
5. Craigslist

Daily Gratitude

1. Edible risotto
2. Thank you kiss from Dylan
3. The dog greeting me at the door
4. 77 degrees
5. My car

Chicago Botanic Garden 2010

Here is a small slideshow of all of the photos from the Chicago Botanic Garden. If you would like to see the full-size version (which is much better, in my humble opinion) click here.


I hope you all enjoy. It really was a lovely day.

Accidental Heart Hardening

I would be lying if I said things were too hectic around here for me to blog. That isn't the case. In fact, I spend a lot of my time collecting thoughts that I would like to blog. The commitment of actually putting it in writing and then posting it is what keeps me from actually doing it.

A lot has been happening, but not so much that I am unable to write about it. The trip to Missouri was a welcome, lovely, much needed few days away. Coming home was a good feeling. I missed our dog. I will post pics soon.

We are three months away from getting married. Money is tight and it's consuming all of my thoughts. I knew when I left my job that things would never be the same. I knew I couldn't go shopping. I knew I would have to go without, but it was worth it to me because it meant I would be able to spend more time with Dylan.

I used to justify going shopping and buying useless things by reminding myself that I worked 40 or more hours a week, and that I deserved it. I reminded myself that I was a single, hard working mother, who maintained the best life she could for her son and if I wanted something nice to wear, I should have it.

I don't have those excuses anymore. I spend my days working on the (practice) wedding cake, (did I mention we're making our own to save money?) doing laundry, and taking bike rides with Dylan. Being a stay at home mom is really hard. Much harder than I had ever anticipated it.

There were also some unexpected side effects. The most predominant one for me is that I have absolutely no sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. I had no idea how badly I needed the sense that I completed a task that I set out to do. Right now, I work part time at a store to make a (very) little extra money. Without it, I think I would go crazy. It is fulfilling in that it gets me out of the house, but it is honestly the lowest-paying job I have ever had. Although I enjoy it more than any other job I have ever had (with the exception of a few photography positions), it doesn't provide the satisfaction at the end of the day of knowing I have made a difference.

Instead, I spend an unreasonable amount of time trying to accomplish things. All my life, I've wanted nothing more than a (minutely) lucrative photography business. While I don't know if that is something I will ever have, I have begun the process of designing a website so that I have something to show for all of the passion I've put into it. I don't have the best equipment and all of the technical skills I posses were handed down from working with other photographers for years and years, but it is fulfilling, and without it I would only be half of a person. I don't know if there is any merit to working this hard on a site, and truly it is probably something I should put off until Dylan is back to school. I just know it's a step in a direction away from being sedentary.

Sooner than I can fathom, Derek! and I will be married. The emotional fulfillment of knowing there is one person who has chosen me over all of the other women in the entire world to take this journey with is remarkably overwhelming. I feel blessed and I don't always know why he has chosen me, but I love him dearly and I cannot wait for our life story to begin.

My hope is that once the wedding is over and Dylan is back to school (OMG THIRD GRADE!) I will be able to collect myself enough to vigorously pursue a consistent amount of photography work. Until then, I need to hold on to what (little) I have. This part-time job, and a fire in my stomach that wants take photos so badly I can taste it.

Like I said before, I will post a lot of Missouri photos soon. Also have some from our trip to the Chicago Botanic Garden that are pretty nice. The fourth of July was lovely. I hate fireworks and luckily wasn't subjected to too many of them. We took Dylan to the festival and he spent the evening with my parents to watch my dad set off fireworks. We picked him up, exhausted and smelling like Deep Woods Off, the next morning. A whole night to ourselves! We were asleep by 9:30. Don't kid yourself.

School starts August 20th. I had to write this on a post-it note at my desk. Dylan took the liberty of adding a date that I never would have remembered otherwise:
Thanks, buddy. August 11. Got it.

We're trying hard to plan a birthday party for him. I want it to be a surprise because Dylan is an intense kid who always wants to know what is going on in detail and he'll truly drive me up a wall if he's involved in the planning process at all. I know that sounds terrible, but he's just a nag. Not that I haven't made this point already, but money is tight. Canceling-our-honeymoon-tight. I take full responsibility for this and feel tremendously guilty about it, so I am trying not to make his birthday party too big of a shindig. We shall see.

Here are a few pics I have finished from the botanic gardens. I know there is no direction to this entry, and I apologize. I have to get to work shortly and I put off blogging until the last minute because that's what I do. Anyway, enjoy:

I didn't think his love of nature was something that would rub off on me to any degree at all, but it has. The happiness all of these flowers has brought me is just another way Derek! has changed my life. His family is the kind of family I have always wished mine was but will never be. His parents are loving and generous and understanding. I don't feel like a fool when I talk to them like I do when I talk to mine. I have a hard time not hugging them all the time whenever we're with them. It's ridiculous really. Nonetheless, Derek! has made me the happiest little momblogger alive.

Take care all. More soon.

"I believe that there is a subtle magnetism in Nature, which, if we unconsciously yield to it, will direct us aright." ~Henry David Thoreau

The Day Before Forever

Today is Dylan's last day of second grade. I drove carefully between the bright orange cones and the curb and saw him off at school this morning, much like any other school day. It was sad to see him walk away from the car knowing today won't happen ever again. I had some pretty serious attachment issues in second grade and I remember them vividly.

I wasn't a very well-adjusted kid. I missed my mother the whole school day. I couldn't believe her day could possibly go on without me. I visited the nurse regularly. Mostly with a stomach ache. I would hobble into her office with a death-tight grip across my abdomen, hopeful my mother would come pick me up and rescue me from my misery.

By fourth grade or so, it subsided. I know now that I just had a lot of anxiety. In a lot of ways, I still do. I am the most anxious person I know by a clear mile. It really hasn't let up, it just displays itself in different ways. In December, right before Christmas, I was in the hospital for a TIA. This was- by far- the most frightening experience of my life. Since I can remember, I've been a teeth-grinder. At random times throughout the day, I become aware of it and unclench my jaw, only to be met with severe jaw and head pain.

I'm not very educated about the anxiety, I just know it exists. I don't know what causes it or makes it go away. I only know the way it makes me feel. At some point, I know I will have to speak to a professional about it, get it under control, but these days the discomfort is manageable.

Dylan isn't this way, and I'm so very thankful. I know that the moment I drop him off at school he doesn't give me another thought until he sees me again. There is some comfort in that, knowing he is focusing on what is going on around him rather than all of the things that could potentially go wrong, like his insane mother.

After school today, summer starts.

As I have said before, this is supposed to be the best summer ever. Also, perhaps the last summer where things are how they are. Derek! and I are getting married in October, to be (hopefully) followed by adding to our family. Nothing is ever going to be the same again.

How surreal.

Our summer plans are fairly loose at this point. Our budget is limited since I am no longer working, however we do plan on making the most of it. We have a trip to Missouri planned next week. We're really looking forward to it. We are taking bikes and hoping for good weather. We plan on utilizing and discovering as many free local places as possible.

Also, we plan on going on a family summer diet. This is more for me than Dylan and Derek! I think, but it's a pretty non-structured diet. I'm thinking a lot of fruit and water, veggies, and very little meat.

Up to this point, we have been pretty indulgent as far as our eating habits go. I've been cooking a lot from scratch and that results in a plate of my favorite things : butter, pasta, more butter, and sauteed onions - with random other staples. That is nowhere near any kind of healthy. We'll see how it goes. In the winter, it was ok to be fat. Winter is over now, and I have a wedding to prepare for.

I have a busy last day of sanity. Dylan's room is a disaster of legos and clothes. Every surface in our house is covered in a film of dog hair. The books are dusty, the dishes are never all clean at once. There are mud paw-prints on the kitchen floor. I have small stacks of papers scattered throughout the house because I have a stacking mentality. Stacking = tidy in my head. I know. I'm nuts.

I have a full day before me. Yesterday, I cut off and hemmed some of Dylan's jeans that had holes in the knees. It was nice to have my sewing machine out again. Maybe more to come.

Anyway, here is to the best summer of our lives. To long sunny days with Dylan and memories on top of memories.

"People don't notice whether it's winter or summer when they're happy." -Anton Chekhov

They Don't Love You Like I Love You

Memorial Day weekend was a long one. We did some extravagant landscaping, removing shrubs in front of the house and mowing and gutter cleaning. At least the house now looks like one where I would trick-or-treat.

We also took a two mile hike through a local place where Derek! works. He's a nature guy, so he knows all the good spots. It was extraordinarily hot during our hike, but we saw things worth photographing.

The first one is Phlox. The second is a Daddy Long Legs. The third is Dylan eating a wild strawberry. I'm not sure I understand the purpose of eating things you find on the ground in the woods, especially things like strawberries. Things I can go to the grocery store and find crates of. Plus, they are clean at the grocery store. They haven't been sitting in soil that raccoons, squirrels, birds, bunnies, and other unheard of critters have shit in. Plus, they are bigger. Also, tastier.

Nonetheless, we ate strawberries that had been sitting in shitdirt for I have no idea how long. Just...for the thrill of it or whatever.

I love them. I love Dylan with his binoculars and his camera. He's my favorite. And, Derek! look at his face. I love that face. It's the face of forever. If forever had a face, I mean.

The local places are getting stale. It might be me. It probably is. I've been cynical lately. Derek! has some classes to take in Missouri next week and I asked (ok...begged....ok...demanded.) that he take us along. I'm in desperate need of new inspiration, change of scenery, a jump start of what Dylan and I have predicted to be the best summer of our lives.

I'm not really looking forward to 6 hours in the car. I am looking forward to taking a million photographs.

My day today has been irritating. I'm not sure I have a better word for it. I know this blog is all disjointed and a collection of random thoughts, but why stop now? I'm knee-deep in wedding planning and I don't know how much longer I can do it.

My mother has hurt my feelings regularly, I'd say at least once a week, since we've announced our engagement. How do you stop that from happening? I will say, I have become the master of callous. I may have been dipped in butter somewhere along the way with how easily I let the things she says slide off my shoulders. At a point, however, I so wish I was the kind of person as the people who say just the right thing at just the right time. I wish I felt like my words were effective.

They aren't.

My maid of honor is my 15 year old sister. I find it very difficult to really be offended that she isn't stepping up and taking charge. I think she's great. She is really shy, so I think this is helping her step out of her comfort zone a bit. It helps that I don't expect much of her.

One of my bridesmaids is my big sister. She hasn't even telephoned me about the wedding. The other is Derek!'s sister. All she really has to do is show up, I guess.

The day Derek! proposed, I knew my mother had the capacity to turn this wonderful thing into a bad experience, and I made a promise to myself not to let that happen but it did anyway. I spent this evening mulling over her hurtful disregard of the way she speaks about one of the most important days of my life. I replay the things she says over and over. Why? Why do I do that?

Sadly, I have so much more to blog about. Tomorrow is my last day home without Dylan. I don't know the next time I'll be able to sit down and blog. The house is loud and I rarely get a moment without someone checking in on me.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -Maya Angelou

Godspeed, Sweet Dreams

It is late May. It is 80 something sweltering degrees outside. I got my first sunburn of many to come yesterday at a family graduation party by the beach.

Thursday, after a treacherous Wednesday (more on the Wednesday ordeal later), I called Dylan off school. Derek! called off work. We packed a lunch and went to the zoo. I felt like: "Screw all of this. Screw all of everything. Screw screw screw. I'm outta here. We're going to the damnzoo." So, in actuality, on Thursday, we went to the damnzoo. I don't know if it was a responsible decision or not. I don't care either. Derek! took a lot of photos of the animals. That's not really my thing. I guess I like the birds, but not so much the animals.

I took these rad photos of some plants.



Of course, the little pink heart ones are my total favorite. I wish I could wear them around my neck. I don't know what they're called. If I did, I would plant them everywhere. In place of grass. Do you know why? Because I hate grass. It's true. I mowed the lawn today and I realized how much I just don't like grass. It's too high maintenance.

Wednesday, I got several phone calls from Dylan's school. Actually, I got one from his teacher and two from Dylan himself. From her cell phone. Which makes no sense. This has actually happened once before this year. Dylan acts up in class and his teacher has him call me. So, basically the phone call goes:

Me: "hello?"
Dylan: "hi mum."
Me: "honey, what's wrong?"
Dylan: "nothing."
Me: "are you in trouble?"
Dylan: "I don't know."
Me: "what happened?"
Dylan: "I don't know."
Me: "ooook. why are you calling me?"
Teacher in the background: "Tell her you were being disruptive."
Dylan: "I was disruptive."
Me: "ok. can I talk to the teacher?"

The teacher proceeds to tell me (in the highest-pitched, whiniest voice) how Dylan was being disruptive during a 'freeform learning time' and that he wasn't 'respecting the other kid's personal space' and a bunch of other child psychologyesque terms. I tell her she can just send him to the principal if she needs. She tells me 'no. Then it will look like I'm not in control of my classroom.'

Which she isn't.

Retard.

It happened again later that day. It was infuriating for me to deal with from home, over the phone, because she just whined about his behavior. She didn't suggest solutions. She didn't do anything but call me. Several times.

Whatever. We went to the zoo the next day. How is that for 'freeform learning time'?

Dylan isn't a bad kid. Really, he isn't. He does, however, have a strong personality and a short attention span as well as a short fuse. That's a bad combination, no matter how you slice it. I think what happens is that he pushes the other kid's buttons and gets pissed when they are annoyed with him. It sucks, it really does, but I simply cannot change it over the telephone at 10:00 in the morning from my couch. It takes work. So that is what we've been doing, working on the way he interacts with and treats other people.


I remember a few years ago a friend of mine got me a card for Father's Day. It was a sweet way of making a huge statement because I just thought of myself as a single mother, rather than a mother and father. I feel that I am just like my Dad. I take pride in it. I understand him, why he does things, and what he means when he doesn't say things right.

I know when the things he says are just heat of the moment things because I do the same things. I understand his facial expressions because I make the same ones. I understand his silent times. I appreciate his ways, because I can relate.

In this same way, I think Dylan understands me. I feel it. I think he knew that day, getting home after me talking to his teacher several times, precisely how I felt. I didn't have to say anything. There was no real punishing that took place because he knew where I stood. I know it won't happen again.

That gives me so much comfort, knowing I have mastered being the mother and the father.

It is fascinating to watch Dylan become who he will be forever. It's fascinating to watch him wake up in the morning and assess the day in front of him, what he will have for lunch, what will happen at school, whether or not he has baseball. It's fascinating seeing him watch the weather on the news in the morning and dress accordingly. It's fascinating to see him comb his hair, put his shoes on without untying them, pet the dog and talk to her. I'm fascinated by him and he doesn't even know it.

I don't know if everything I do is always the right thing, that's the tricky part of being his mom. I try my hardest to take it easy on him, life only gets harder the older you get. I try to gently guide him in the right direction, remind him to think about his decisions, encourage planning and preparedness. I don't always do things the way my parents did because it doesn't always make sense for a kid like Dylan. He is fickle and demanding and I try to make him into the happiest, most well-adjusted person he can be.

Sometimes he wants to do stupid things, like keeping robin's egg he finds on the sidewalk, naming it Eddie, and wrapping it in a sock until it hatches despite potential diseases. It's my responsibility to explain consequences to him, even if he doesn't make the connection. I have to run interference on a lot of possible disasters. While I'm lucky to have Derek! to help now, I know that being Dylan's mom will keep me on my toes for the rest of our lives.



...but I think I'm up to the challenge.

"A boy's will is the wind's will." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

New Photography

So, these little guys have been in the bush outside our kitchen window for a little over a month, I'd say. We noticed mama bird starting the nest, working her tail feathers off. A week or so later, four tiny blue eggs were inside. A week or so later, little pink bird bodies, and today, this.

I had a really hard time getting the photos. I basically had to hold my camera inside the bush with one hand, pull down a branch with the other, and balance myself on the porch railing. Honestly, it was totally worth it.The birds must have thought I was mama or something because they would blink,blink,blink their eyes, streeeeetch their necks, and open their mouths as wiiiiide as they could. It was awesome.
Aren't they cute? For some reason these baby birds have brought me so much joy. I know it's lame, things like this happen every day, but I feel good knowing they're safe in our bush.
Mamma bird = not amused. She was flying in circles over my head, standing on the railing chirping at me, swooping around, chirping. I felt bad, so I took just a few more shots and walked away. Then she followed me. So I ran away.
These are flowers that Derek!'s mom got me for Mother's Day. They were blown over outside, laying in the middle of our front yard this morning. I was frantic when I saw this. I ran out, put them back in their place, and apologized. I don't know what they're called, but they look like the flowers I used to draw when I was a little girl.
Like they have little skirts on or something. I love them. They're a family of tiny flowers, with a gradation of color. Perfect little fairy tale flowers.

Even the buds are cute. Packages waiting to be opened or something.

We may not have it all together...

Dylan is getting older quickly. I don't feel like I can keep up all the time. Every year older he gets, I wonder what I can teach him or instill in him that matters. I wonder what I can do to help him become the kind of person I want him to be. In those moments when you look at your child and think "goodness, you've grown" I am continuously wondering what I can do to be a better mother.

Dylan-
I try my hardest every day for you. You have to know this. You have to carry this with you your whole life. A peace of mind knowing that someone is always on your side. Someone will always quietly be looking out for you, praying you're in a good place, working their hardest to keep you safe. You have to know - wherever you go - that half of my heart is with you.

When you make mistakes, and you will, and it feels like the world is against you. When you feel judged, when you're embarrassed at a decision you have made or a move you've made. When you are hurting, even if you've done it to yourself, come to me. Come to me and we will fix it together. If there is one thing I know how to make it through, it is mistakes. I am a veteran. I have the purple heart. I have the gold medal in mistake making. And the silver in getting through it as gracefully as one person can.


If there is one thing I can tell you from experience, it is that the people who love you, who truly love you the way you deserve to be loved will accept your mistakes and push past them. You don't have to earn this with me, I hope you understand. You have this now, and you always will.

Dylan, one thing I have always wanted for myself was to live with certainty. I've wanted a life where I was certain I knew who was on my side and who wasn't, a certainty that I was doing the right thing, that I was heading in a positive direction. I haven't had that, and you may not either. But for right now, for these days we get to spend together, I hope you are certain of me, if nothing else.

I know you and I have been through a lot together. I know we aren't home free yet, difficulties may still arise. Like I said before, I try my hardest for you every day. Whatever it is, we'll get through it. Whatever happens, we'll live to joke about it. I just hope you know that.

Love, mom.


"Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes." -Ghandi

A Wooden House

This stay at home stuff is for the birds.

No, seriously.

All the adjusting is just taking too long. I started working part-time yesterday as planned, and I really thought the time out of the house would do me some good, but now I''m just starting to feel like it is a joke. The whole thing. Working part-time is an unrealistic way of really making any difference in the bills. Whatsoever. At all.

At this point, I feel as if the only thing I have to contribute are my laundry skills at best, and, as I have stated before they aren't that great. I can't really catch up because I keep feeling like I have all day, why rush? And then before I know it, it is 2 in the afternoon and Dylan needs to be picked up.

I am also starting to get a feel for that stay at home mom unappreciated bitterness I never understood (and sometimes laughed at). It's just not clear to me how I went from office bitch to dishes/dinner/laundry/planning my entire own wedding alone bitch, but it happened, and I am kicking and screaming the whole way through.

I know I'm being dramatic, I do. I know there is an oil spill in the gulf and tornadoes in other parts of the Midwest and congressmen cheating on their poor, cancer-ridden wives. I'm not trying to make light of that. But this is for the stay-at-home-moms, the ones who tolerate, who bite their tongues, who take the insult of watching their families pile up dishes in the sink and walk away, dirty socks wherever they may land. This is for the stay-at-home-moms who are making sure there is bread for lunches in the morning, and when there isn't, ask their special someone's to pick some up, and when they don't, run out at the last minute to get some without a complaint.

You see, I never understood the feeling of knowing the pee spots are left on the rim for you to clean up. I never understood the feeling of knowing the laundry for an entire household isn't going to put itself away, nor is anyone else going to do it. I never understood the sinking feeling at 5:30 in the morning when you know you just aren't going to get that precious extra hour of sleep you are entitled to because your mind won't grant it to you. Because you're too busy making a list in your head of petty to-do's that no one will ultimately notice.


Making breakfast. Running to school. Coming home. Cleaning up dog shit. Washing breakfast dishes. Folding underwear. Talking to florists. Folding towels. Sweeping up the floor. Taking the dog out. Thawing out dinner. Cleaning the pee toilet.floor.wall. Starting dinner. Picking up the kid. Finishing dinner. Eating dinner. Doing homework. Dinner dishes. One more load. Clean up more dog shit. Getting your ass grabbed. Finding more crap to sweep on the floor. Putting the kid to bed. Listening to him tell you what a mean mom you are. Signing permission slips. Washing up. Taking the dog out. Going to bed. Making breakfast. Running to school. Coming home....


I get it now. I do. And if the goddamn dog would stop barking long enough for me to complete a thought and the kid would stop yelling for me to come in his room because his stomach hurts so bad ohmygodican'tgotoschooltomorrow, I would be able to explain in detail just how much i get it.

....but duty calls.


"All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his." -Oscar Wilde

Following Through

I'm suddenly a stay at home mom. It happened on accident, before I had time to commit to it fully, and really without my permission. Isn't that the way a lot of good things happen? (pleasesayyes. pleasesayyes.)

Well, I guess I'm not fully a stay at home mom. I got a part-time job at a craft store. I will be making barely enough to pay my car payment. Not a great feeling, but life could be so much worse. Knowing I have only been unemployed 2 solid weeks, I don't feel at liberty to complain, however my days have grown fairly monotonous.

"Gypsy...what are you doing? Get off the table!"

"Gypsy. OFF."

"GYPSY!"

"...Gypsy?"

She's really a good dog. No. really. She just doesn't get out as much as she would like. That, and she just does whateverthehell she wants. I respect that, because lord knows I have never been one to enjoy restraint. I find her...relatable.

Anyway, the days at home fly by quickly. I have been keeping busy and I have really missed time to hear the thoughts in my head. That sounds ridiculous, but I hush myself the moment everyone comes home. Dylan walks in the door and he gets every bit of me. Two hours later, Derek! comes home and I become consumed with being where everyone wants me. If I am not, they come looking for me. Knocking/Scratching on doors, calling for me, asking what I'm doing...

It's unbelievable that I have gone from hiding in the bathroom for two hours bubble bathing, shaving, polishing, plucking, and brushing to cleaning my own pee off the seat because someone in the house needs me and I can't pee fast enough.

Is this the way most stay at home moms feel? I wouldn't know, I have hid from them for years. Dylan informs me that he has 18 more days of school. After this, he'll be on summer vacation and for the first time since he's been in school, I am looking forward to it.

I didn't mention it in my last blog because I don't want to sounds like a braggart, but Derek and I got engaged April 17. He proposed at Buckingham Fountain in Chicago. Buckingham Fountain is dear to my heart for a lot of reasons. I will spare you all the stories and feelings that come flooding in when I think of that place, and now I have one more, but it was magical. For the first time since I actually was five, I felt five.

When I was five, I had an extremely difficult time playing games like hide and seek because I couldn't hold my pee. I would hide somewhere roomy enough for me to squirm because I knew I couldn't stay hidden for long. I would get excited and get the sudden urge to pee. That's exactly how I felt when I realized what was happening at Buckingham Fountain. When I understood what Derek! was doing when he was kneeling down, my immediate thought was "omigod! i have to pee!" Isn't that ridiculous and wonderful at the same time?

I can't wait to feel that way the rest of my life.

Mother's Day was wonderful. I got these beautiful inkblot looking orchids from Derek! and Dylan.


Don't they look like a shrink's inkblots? They do. That proves it, Derek! thinks I'm crazy. subliminally. Which is ok. Because he is stuck with my crazy ass.

They really are beautiful. I also got a homemade card from Dylan. It's his best work yet. I can't believe how lucky I am to be his mother. What on earth was I doing before him? Whatever it was doesn't mean anything now.
"You make me so happy. I love you so mutch. Thank you for clothes, books, everything. That time you took me to the city. Happy mothers day!"

...And if that doesn't make your day job feel worthless, I don't know what will.


"I thought my mom's whole purpose was to be my mom. That's how she made me feel."-Natasha Gregson Wagner

The Great American Napkin

I think I finally understand what is meant when they say that life is a big rat race. The term 'rat race' is used to define an endless, self-defeating, pointless pursuit. Like a lab rat on his wheel. Like merging quickly into a traffic jam. Like standing in line at the BMV only to realize you are three identification points short.

This isn't meant to be depressing. I've had an enlightening past few months. I've had a life-altering last two weeks. Things change so quickly. I cannot always reflect, hence my huge absence from the blog. My apologies to any remaining readers. I did not die. No, not entirely. Just some parts.


The other parts, however, are in the process of being reborn. Hopefully they'll blossom large enough to compensate for the bald spots. I don't want to review the last few month's ongoings. It would take to long. It would be too wordy. I would leave parts out. I wouldn't be as accurate as images can be. I think I documented some of the more important times, at least the times that were important to me...




I found this guy. Yep. It's a guy. A dude. A MAN. He is a man's man, ladies man. He is a man about town. He ... is Derek.


We moved in together. We painted Dylan's bedroom. We put some of my things in the garage. We gave some of my things away. We promised never to leave the other one alone again. We sat Dylan down. We discussed all of these changes. We met each others families.
We got. A. Dog.

And suddenly, life doesn't seem so desolate anymore. The impossible things that caused me to stare at plaster apartment walls until I was out of tears, aren't so impossible anymore. I have a structure. Dylan and I are loved unconditionally by one person on this planet.

Besides one another.

And there is no comfort quite like knowing someone will notice if you die in your sleep.

Dylan got glasses a few months ago. He hated them at first. He forgot them at school 3 out of the first 5 days he had them. He got used to them. Now, he reminds me of myself at his age. He is endearing and understands that he needs them even though he hates them. He is so handsome.

Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter all went well. So did Valentine's Day, Boxing Day, and every day between. Things have been smooth, beautiful...

Until this last week. I quit my job. I left for a variety of reasons. Mostly because I was tired of getting in my car at the end of the day feeling like I was having a mild heart attack. I would play a game with myself. If I made it past the first red light, the one just outside of the parking lot, without crying, I wasn't allowed to cry the whole way home. If I couldn't help but cry before then, I was allowed to cry all the way until the last stop light. At that time, I had to stop and clear up my red face so no one would notice when I picked up Dylan.

Things weren't that bad the whole time I worked there. It got progressively worse, I'd say. I knew things were bad when I didn't make myself stop crying. I knew they were bad when I stopped hiding that I was crying, and reached out to talk about it - to anyone who would listen. I was employed at a hospital that was only a few years old. Finances weren't stable, which meant my pay wasn't either.

Raises were promised and not delivered. I would come in to a new set of job responsibilities because someone who was there for 6 years was laid off and someone had to do that job - but no pay raise. Responsibility doubled. Pay stayed the same. Annual reviews came - I did awesome - they went. Pay stayed the same. I was expected to wear so many hats. I reported to so many people. I answered to patients, doctors, administration. I missed meetings to attend other meetings. I went from 8 to 200 emails daily. My pay stayed the same.

So, I quit. I emailed an eloquent resignation letter to my boss, with no response. I have been sending out resumes by the boatload. I have a few interviews set up.

But sitting in the quiet house while Dylan is at school and Derek is at work - continually creeps up on me. I sit at my desk in the dark office upstairs and catch myself crying, panicking. I turn on the tv, turn off the tv, spin in circles in my chair. I google property taxes in Guam (turns out they don't have any, their tax structure is totally different.) I apply for positions I am not qualified for.
But, mostly, I feel bad about myself. A lot of self-actualizing has to occur when you are left with nothing to work toward in a day. A lot of rationalization has to take place to keep your cool when you're fighting for your well being.

Derek has been great, as supportive as one person can be with a mess like me on his hands. Dylan has been demanding. A totally different child, but that's another day.

I'll get this together. For their sake as much as my own. I'll find a job that doesn't make me hate my alarm clock. If not that, I'll find one that gets me through without leaving me empty. I will because I have to.I will because, as independent as he has become, he still needs me to.

This rat race will make sense at some point. The wheel will come undone and take flight. I will be one of those people who doesn't mind putting it in park and listening to the radio. I'll be the lady with a manila envelope, standing at the BMV door when they open.

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." - Friedrich Nietzche