Here I am. My old stompin' ground! A voice from the past! somethingsomething old times!
Sometimes I accidentally log in to this blog, when I'm still logged in from checking my e-mail and I try to check my other blog. The one I write in all the time now. Today I sat and read some old entries and realized I can't bear to let this story go quite yet.
Derek! and I have our baby boy. Harrison Nicholas. He was born November 17, 2011. He is 5 months now and is perfect in every possible way. Raising Harrison is infinitely different than raising Dylan ever was. It's much softer, less terrifying. Of course, I'm not 18 anymore. Not even almost. However, being a mother again feels familiar. The love is no less. That part is no different at all.
Dylan is nine now, and every day with him has become a struggle. I wouldn't trade the struggle for anything. He has become more defiant, stubborn, and smart-assed. He hates me sometimes. He slams doors sometimes. Sometimes he gets in trouble at school. Sometimes he lies to me. What Dylan fails to realize is that I can handle it. Every bit of it. Even when I say I can't, I really can. I'm really willing to deal with whatever he dishes out because I will continuously use it to turn him into a better person.
The interesting thing about being his mother is that it has taught me how stubborn I can be. It's taught me how strong-willed I can be, how nothing he does phases me. When you love someone as much as I love Dylan, you can see the truth. All of the the transitions and changes that have gone on with welcoming Harrison into our family have hurt him. Dylan doesn't know where he fits sometimes, and that is a bad feeling. The only way he can respond is negatively. I understand that. I see through his furrowed brow and know we can work through this together.
If I could just help him to see that where he fits is this perfect space right inside my heart. Right beside his brother. Right where he has always been. If I could just sit with him long enough to help him see that the changes are lateral, we are still where we've always been - together - and that we will always be. He'll get it over time. I just have to be here with him until then.
Dylan is a wonderful big brother. He loves Harrison. He makes him smile all the time. He sings to him and dances for him, tickles and sits and holds him. Sometimes he feeds him. Sometimes they lay on the floor together. I wasn't prepared for the overflowing love I would feel when I saw that. I always knew Dylan's beautiful heart would make him a great brother. I think he truly loves Harrison. He rose to the occasion wonderfully. Figuring out where he fits has been hard, but he doesn't take it out on Harrison at all. He takes it out on Derek! and I sometimes, but he doesn't mean it and he's learning how to deal with the changes. Slowly. At his own pace.
I am so proud of him for trudging through this all one day at a time. He sees the blessings. He just doesn't know what they mean. Sweet boy.
Siblings are the people we practice on, the people who teach us about fairness and cooperation and kindness and caring - quite often the hard way. ~Pamela Dugdale
