This isn't meant to be depressing. I've had an enlightening past few months. I've had a life-altering last two weeks. Things change so quickly. I cannot always reflect, hence my huge absence from the blog. My apologies to any remaining readers. I did not die. No, not entirely. Just some parts.
The other parts, however, are in the process of being reborn. Hopefully they'll blossom large enough to compensate for the bald spots. I don't want to review the last few month's ongoings. It would take to long. It would be too wordy. I would leave parts out. I wouldn't be as accurate as images can be. I think I documented some of the more important times, at least the times that were important to me...
I found this guy. Yep. It's a guy. A dude. A MAN. He is a man's man, ladies man. He is a man about town. He ... is Derek.
We moved in together. We painted Dylan's bedroom. We put some of my things in the garage. We gave some of my things away. We promised never to leave the other one alone again. We sat Dylan down. We discussed all of these changes. We met each others families.
We got. A. Dog.
And suddenly, life doesn't seem so desolate anymore. The impossible things that caused me to stare at plaster apartment walls until I was out of tears, aren't so impossible anymore. I have a structure. Dylan and I are loved unconditionally by one person on this planet.
Besides one another.
And there is no comfort quite like knowing someone will notice if you die in your sleep.
Dylan got glasses a few months ago. He hated them at first. He forgot them at school 3 out of the first 5 days he had them. He got used to them. Now, he reminds me of myself at his age. He is endearing and understands that he needs them even though he hates them. He is so handsome.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter all went well. So did Valentine's Day, Boxing Day, and every day between. Things have been smooth, beautiful...
Until this last week. I quit my job. I left for a variety of reasons. Mostly because I was tired of getting in my car at the end of the day feeling like I was having a mild heart attack. I would play a game with myself. If I made it past the first red light, the one just outside of the parking lot, without crying, I wasn't allowed to cry the whole way home. If I couldn't help but cry before then, I was allowed to cry all the way until the last stop light. At that time, I had to stop and clear up my red face so no one would notice when I picked up Dylan.
Things weren't that bad the whole time I worked there. It got progressively worse, I'd say. I knew things were bad when I didn't make myself stop crying. I knew they were bad when I stopped hiding that I was crying, and reached out to talk about it - to anyone who would listen. I was employed at a hospital that was only a few years old. Finances weren't stable, which meant my pay wasn't either.
Raises were promised and not delivered. I would come in to a new set of job responsibilities because someone who was there for 6 years was laid off and someone had to do that job - but no pay raise. Responsibility doubled. Pay stayed the same. Annual reviews came - I did awesome - they went. Pay stayed the same. I was expected to wear so many hats. I reported to so many people. I answered to patients, doctors, administration. I missed meetings to attend other meetings. I went from 8 to 200 emails daily. My pay stayed the same.
So, I quit. I emailed an eloquent resignation letter to my boss, with no response. I have been sending out resumes by the boatload. I have a few interviews set up.
But sitting in the quiet house while Dylan is at school and Derek is at work - continually creeps up on me. I sit at my desk in the dark office upstairs and catch myself crying, panicking. I turn on the tv, turn off the tv, spin in circles in my chair. I google property taxes in Guam (turns out they don't have any, their tax structure is totally different.) I apply for positions I am not qualified for.
But, mostly, I feel bad about myself. A lot of self-actualizing has to occur when you are left with nothing to work toward in a day. A lot of rationalization has to take place to keep your cool when you're fighting for your well being.
Derek has been great, as supportive as one person can be with a mess like me on his hands. Dylan has been demanding. A totally different child, but that's another day.
I'll get this together. For their sake as much as my own. I'll find a job that doesn't make me hate my alarm clock. If not that, I'll find one that gets me through without leaving me empty. I will because I have to.
I will because, as independent as he has become, he still needs me to.This rat race will make sense at some point. The wheel will come undone and take flight. I will be one of those people who doesn't mind putting it in park and listening to the radio. I'll be the lady with a manila envelope, standing at the BMV door when they open.
"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." - Friedrich Nietzche
