Gratitude

1. Dylan holding my hand while the lady put the IV in at the hospital.

2. The baby's strong little kick-drum heartbeat.

3. Having a job that doesn't make me homicidal. . . every day.

4. Life affirming choices.

5.  Faith.

Raising Tomorrow

There are so many things I want Dylan to know and understand.  The unfortunate thing is that sometimes, life has to teach him instead.  The major roadblock I have met while being his parent is that I cannot always prepare him for things with certainty.  I have always felt like knowledge is empowering in every situation, under any circumstance.  Sending him out into the world without as much information as I can is negligent parenting.

I have found myself in so many situations where the only thing I can think is : "how did this happen? how on EARTH did this happen?" And then I realize that I am tremendously unprepared.  So many things along the way I have missed. Maybe no one taught me.  Maybe I didn't listen. Maybe no one else saw this situation coming either.  I don't want Dylan to feel that way. 

As time goes on, I will most likely learn that just because I am his mother, I cannot protect him from everything.  But I will be damned if I'm not going to try.  

I recently went to Dylan's spring musical.  He had to dress up like a geek. I dreaded going. As I dread going to all school functions. (It's amazing how out-of-place I still feel as an adult)  But, as I sat there listening to all the squeaky-voiced third graders, I couldn't believe he was already in third grade.  I was filled with happiness. I wished I could freeze time forever and be subjected to a lifetime of terribly out-of-tune musical productions in rooms with pushy parents with cameras for the rest of eternity, as long as I could keep him little.

I was so proud of him and who he is. I wish I could keep him with me forever.

I've never been so in love with a geek before.

Easter is next weekend.  This weekend is full of family activities and football games and practices. Slowly, I have stopped complaining.  I am learning to love the hectic family life.  I am learning to accept when things don't happen as I think they should and to see the blessing in togetherness.  I am less spoiled. I am more grateful. It's simpler that way.

I feel myself sometimes sliding my eyes suspiciously at God, knowing there is a lesson in hardship, knowing I have taken so much advantage of things without realizing it.  Every day, I am learning more lessons. Every single day.

"God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way.  The way we learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underlying them."  - Stanley Lindquist

"Courage allows the successful woman to fail - and learn powerful lessons from the failure - so that in the end - she didn't fail at all."   - Maya Angelou

The Addition Edition

I couldn't log in to my blog for several months.  Every time I sat down to try, I grew increasingly furious and had to walk away.  Today, something overcame me and I worked on it until I figured it out.  Took me forever.

But so much happens, so quickly.  I feel like I use that line with every entry, but it's the truth. Our family is changing every day.  Some of the changes are tiny, and take a long time to notice.  Like Dylan's new habit of saying 'Thank You' a hundred times for little things.  Some are more functional, like our brand new carpet! 

The more things change, the more settled I have started feeling. Some of the things we've changed were just to make our daily lives more manageable.  We had to find a new home for Gypsy, our dog.  This was one of the most difficult decisions I think I have ever made.  When we got Gypsy, she was malnourished and abused.  We had her just over a year.  In that time, she gained weight and became the best dog.  There were times it was hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, she was always just so troublesome, but over time she became a fixture in our family.  To think of a day without her tugged at my heart. Gypsy was a cattle dog, genetically programmed to be a herding dog, and our measly yard just wasn't enough for her. She would get out of the yard and run through the neighborhood, me-teary eyed-racing right behind her several times a month. She was too big for our house. She scratched doors, floors, and legs. Gypsy loved us so, and we loved her dearly.  I found so much comfort in her.  Her presence assured me that everything would be ok. Gypsy laid in bed with me every morning. She greeted me at the door at night, laid in the hallway outside the door when I took a bath, under my feet when I ate. I think finding her a new home was hardest on me of anyone.

She went to a man in Texas with 126 acres.  He has had herding dogs all his life and let us know that she'd be loved and cared for.  She rode in his truck with him all the way from Chicago to Texas.  She's an adventure dog now. On her way to big things.

We (reluctantly) stumbled across a new dog just before Gypsy left us.  His name is Henry.  I found him in my parent's yard.  They live along a fairly busy road and it was just a matter of time before he was hit by a car.  I brought him home under the assumption that he had a microchip, however, he did not, so here he sits. Our new little addition.  

There is so much going on these days.  Dylan just started flag-football. He's only had one game, but has done remarkably well.  He is growing so fast.  We went on a short vacation in February to the Smoky Mountains, I have a million photos to post. 

Aside from the carpet and the dog adjustments, there's just one more big thing - Derek! and I are expecting! Yep. I have a tiny baby. inside my belly. right now.

I am due November 19-23. This is especially special because we were married on November 21. What a tremendous blessing. We couldn't be happier.  I can't process everything like I wish I could.  Sometimes I just sit quietly and thank the Lord that my life has evolved the way it has.

Sometimes I look at Dylan sitting calmly and thank the Lord that he has a quiet place to sit calmly.

I look at Derek! and thank the Lord I have someone who loves me without question or restraint.

I thank Him for the dog at my feet.

I thank the Lord for giving me the blessing of pregnancy at a time where something life-affirming was so needed.

I thank Him for having answers, and giving them to me without even having to ask.

"I begin to love this creature, and to anticipate her birth as a fresh twist to a knot, which I not wish to untie"- Mary Wollstonecraft