Keeping Time

When I used to imagine weddings, I imagined a tidy little baby blue bow, wrapped around a white linen napkin with swirly, pink monogrammed initials embroidered gently generations ago by women who dreamed of prince charming wearing petticoats, sitting on a davenport...

That's not what weddings are to me anymore. Weddings have become off-ramps. A day whose sole responsibility is to funnel you away from who you were into who you will be for the rest of your life. It's been romanticized - what hasn't? - into an opportunity to celebrate. It wasn't that for me. I found my wedding to be a deeply personal day for me. I spent a lot of the day reflecting.

I know that wasn't Hallmark's intention. I know I should have been more 'in the moment' at my wedding, but for the life of me I couldn't. It was my day, and I used it to say farewell to who I was and greet who I will be with open arms. While I put on my makeup, my family was swarming around me talking about who would walk with whom down the aisle. I was remembering a day when Dylan and I sat on the floor and ate cheerios out of the box. We watched 'Friends' and drank juice. We wrestled at commercials. He was two.

As guests started arriving, every so often someone-an aunt or a cousin-would stop in to see me and give well wishes. I had a really hard time expressing how I felt because it felt inappropriate. I wasn't nervous to walk down the aisle and marry Derek!. He is my soul mate. I was calm. I just didn't want to let anything slip through my fingers without a deep feeling of gratitude for all of the wonderful things to come.

I thought about the way it felt to be dumped by men. Because I didn't make enough time for them or because we just weren't a fit. I thought about all of the times I felt inadequate, as a mother, as a woman. I thought about all of the times I would look at Dylan and feel so uncertain about our futures. I thought about these things, and I told them goodbye. I graciously came to the place where I let these feelings go, knowing I would never have to feel them again.

Never EVER.

I looked ahead to my life with Derek! and Dylan and I felt so hopeful. It was as if someone silenced a buzz.




The day was overcast, but I didn't notice until the wedding was over. Everything went smooth. It was an intimate affair. I wore my mother's dress and carried my grandmother's handkerchief. I cried throughout the ceremony. I'm still not sure if it was a happy cry for the future or a sad cry for the past. I just knew the journey was changing. I felt ready. I felt beautiful. I felt safe, in a room of people who came to watch happiness blossom. I felt so many things. I was proud and afraid and enormous.

Derek! waved when I entered the room because we hadn't seen each other since the day before. I held my dad's hand and Dylan's hand and walked toward him with their blessings. Dad shook Derek!'s hand. He fumbled a little for words, but managed to find 'Good Luck' somewhere. And then I was there. I was with him and he was with me and - in his bow-tie and vest, freshly shaven and cool as a cucumber - he promised me all of the things I never believed could be promised. And I believed him. So I promised the same.


Dylan read a Bible verse, although we aren't avid Bible readers, it had volumes of meaning. Maybe more for me than Derek! Maybe it meant something different entirely to each of us. He was so nervous to read his paper. He was so careful when he handed our rings over. He did such a good job. He means so much to me.


We ate a bit. We danced. Then we left for our honeymoon.



And so now, we've been married 2 whole months. Life hasn't let up and I don't expect it to. Everyone warned us marriage wasn't a vacation. Maybe I'm still on a love high, but I tend to disagree. Everything seems so much easier when you know you're doing it with your best friend.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."
Ecclesiastes 3. 1-8