Today is Dylan's last day of second grade. I drove carefully between the bright orange cones and the curb and saw him off at school this morning, much like any other school day. It was sad to see him walk away from the car knowing today won't happen ever again. I had some pretty serious attachment issues in second grade and I remember them vividly.
I wasn't a very well-adjusted kid. I missed my mother the whole school day. I couldn't believe her day could possibly go on without me. I visited the nurse regularly. Mostly with a stomach ache. I would hobble into her office with a death-tight grip across my abdomen, hopeful my mother would come pick me up and rescue me from my misery.
By fourth grade or so, it subsided. I know now that I just had a lot of anxiety. In a lot of ways, I still do. I am the most anxious person I know by a clear mile. It really hasn't let up, it just displays itself in different ways. In December, right before Christmas, I was in the hospital for a TIA. This was- by far- the most frightening experience of my life. Since I can remember, I've been a teeth-grinder. At random times throughout the day, I become aware of it and unclench my jaw, only to be met with severe jaw and head pain.
I'm not very educated about the anxiety, I just know it exists. I don't know what causes it or makes it go away. I only know the way it makes me feel. At some point, I know I will have to speak to a professional about it, get it under control, but these days the discomfort is manageable.
Dylan isn't this way, and I'm so very thankful. I know that the moment I drop him off at school he doesn't give me another thought until he sees me again. There is some comfort in that, knowing he is focusing on what is going on around him rather than all of the things that could potentially go wrong, like his insane mother.
After school today, summer starts.
As I have said before, this is supposed to be the best summer ever. Also, perhaps the last summer where things are how they are. Derek! and I are getting married in October, to be (hopefully) followed by adding to our family. Nothing is ever going to be the same again.
How surreal.
Our summer plans are fairly loose at this point. Our budget is limited since I am no longer working, however we do plan on making the most of it. We have a trip to Missouri planned next week. We're really looking forward to it. We are taking bikes and hoping for good weather. We plan on utilizing and discovering as many free local places as possible.
Also, we plan on going on a family summer diet. This is more for me than Dylan and Derek! I think, but it's a pretty non-structured diet. I'm thinking a lot of fruit and water, veggies, and very little meat.
Up to this point, we have been pretty indulgent as far as our eating habits go. I've been cooking a lot from scratch and that results in a plate of my favorite things : butter, pasta, more butter, and sauteed onions - with random other staples. That is nowhere near any kind of healthy. We'll see how it goes. In the winter, it was ok to be fat. Winter is over now, and I have a wedding to prepare for.
I have a busy last day of sanity. Dylan's room is a disaster of legos and clothes. Every surface in our house is covered in a film of dog hair. The books are dusty, the dishes are never all clean at once. There are mud paw-prints on the kitchen floor. I have small stacks of papers scattered throughout the house because I have a stacking mentality. Stacking = tidy in my head. I know. I'm nuts.
I have a full day before me. Yesterday, I cut off and hemmed some of Dylan's jeans that had holes in the knees. It was nice to have my sewing machine out again. Maybe more to come.
Anyway, here is to the best summer of our lives. To long sunny days with Dylan and memories on top of memories.
"People don't notice whether it's winter or summer when they're happy." -Anton Chekhov
