No, seriously.
All the adjusting is just taking too long. I started working part-time yesterday as planned, and I really thought the time out of the house would do me some good, but now I''m just starting to feel like it is a joke. The whole thing. Working part-time is an unrealistic way of really making any difference in the bills. Whatsoever. At all.
At this point, I feel as if the only thing I have to contribute are my laundry skills at best, and, as I have stated before they aren't that great. I can't really catch up because I keep feeling like I have all day, why rush? And then before I know it, it is 2 in the afternoon and Dylan needs to be picked up.
I am also starting to get a feel for that stay at home mom unappreciated bitterness I never understood (and sometimes laughed at). It's just not clear to me how I went from office bitch to dishes/dinner/laundry/planning my entire own wedding alone bitch, but it happened, and I am kicking and screaming the whole way through.
I know I'm being dramatic, I do. I know there is an oil spill in the gulf and tornadoes in other parts of the Midwest and congressmen cheating on their poor, cancer-ridden wives. I'm not trying to make light of that. But this is for the stay-at-home-moms, the ones who tolerate, who bite their tongues, who take the insult of watching their families pile up dishes in the sink and walk away, dirty socks wherever they may land. This is for the stay-at-home-moms who are making sure there is bread for lunches in the morning, and when there isn't, ask their special someone's to pick some up, and when they don't, run out at the last minute to get some without a complaint.
You see, I never understood the feeling of knowing the pee spots are left on the rim for you to clean up. I never understood the feeling of knowing the laundry for an entire household isn't going to put itself away, nor is anyone else going to do it. I never understood the sinking feeling at 5:30 in the morning when you know you just aren't going to get that precious extra hour of sleep you are entitled to because your mind won't grant it to you. Because you're too busy making a list in your head of petty to-do's that no one will ultimately notice.
Making breakfast. Running to school. Coming home. Cleaning up dog shit. Washing breakfast dishes. Folding underwear. Talking to florists. Folding towels. Sweeping up the floor. Taking the dog out. Thawing out dinner. Cleaning the pee toilet.floor.wall. Starting dinner. Picking up the kid. Finishing dinner. Eating dinner. Doing homework. Dinner dishes. One more load. Clean up more dog shit. Getting your ass grabbed. Finding more crap to sweep on the floor. Putting the kid to bed. Listening to him tell you what a mean mom you are. Signing permission slips. Washing up. Taking the dog out. Going to bed. Making breakfast. Running to school. Coming home....
I get it now. I do. And if the goddamn dog would stop barking long enough for me to complete a thought and the kid would stop yelling for me to come in his room because his stomach hurts so bad ohmygodican'tgotoschooltomorrow, I would be able to explain in detail just how much i get it.
....but duty calls.
"All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his." -Oscar Wilde
oh man, i was a stay at home mom for 3 months..... i too, became an alcoholic. ok, maybe it was for like, a day. and that day was friday, and i didnt have jack.... but- it still happened.
ReplyDelete~jodie