I guess it's hard to know where to start on this topic...the first word that comes to mind is "insurmountable." Christ, that's such a poor word choice, but it is what I thought of. So. I'll start there.
I wish I had the time and insight to write some sort of how-to book on dating single moms. I wish I could put some stereotypes to rest, and others on a pedestal for their degree of truth...but I don't want to address stereotypes. I want to explain this "insurmountable" business that is at the forefront of my head.
First of all, the love I have for my son. That is insurmountable. I don't suspect anyone who isn't in my position would ever understand how deeply this love runs. It is in my blood. It's in my fibers. It is on a cellular level. Anyone who dates a single mom, myself included (but don't count on it.) should know that this love is insurmountable.
You will never conquer it.
You will never be able to hold a really long stick and touch it.
You'll never come before it.
You'll never hop the fence around it, you'll never walk up it's driveway even.
So don't fucken try.
My level of tolerance with the opposite sex has grown so slim that sometimes I forget that handsome men exist. Sometimes I forget to be attracted to anyone. Sometimes I feel asexual, as if my entire self is on the planet to work and poop. I forget that I am entitled to companionship outside of a 6 year old little boy.
I can only speak for myself, but I think all single moms get this way at times. We forget men are there for...whatever their function is.
I think I have been alone with Dylan so long that if I were to ever be in a committed relationship, I would be clueless as to what the other person's role would be in his life. I fear I would stand between them in order to be that much closer to Dylan.
I fear my life will always encircle Dylan, making it impossible for me to foster any other type of relationship.
I fear I am so hellbent on surviving that sometimes I forget to thrive.
And I think this fear is
insurmountable.
As a single mom, I don't always know what I want. I don't like dating. I don't like putting on makeup. I don't like all of the hoops and loopholes. In fact, I prefer being alone to all that dating entails...if I do all this...you'd better be worth it. Don't waste my/our time.
We all have a story about how we got to where we are. If you don't know that story, then there is a good chance you really don't know us. While I can only, once again, speak for myself, getting to where I am has been a life-changing and painful journey. Most single moms have fought harder than hell to get where they are. Most of us have experienced pain, abandonment, and utter confusion more times than one can imagine, all while holding a child on our hip.
We have fought tremendous battles with a child.
sucking.
on.
our.
breasts.
Dating a woman like that takes a lot of strength. It takes a lot of patience. I, like all women, can be insecure. I break down, I don't really ask for help and usually laugh when a man offers. I don't usually open up the way anyone wants me to. I can be nasty. I can be obnoxious. I am over-protective of every single thing that means anything to me.
Because I fought the insurmountable to get it.
And I will be damned if anyone takes it away.
Ever.
I will turn my back on you and never look again if you complicate my life, if you hurt my son, if you insult me, question me, or make me ever feel like less of a person.
Because I didn't start this journey the way I am now.
And a lot of destroying took place for me to rebuild.
And unless you are some amazing architect, which you aren't, I will never let any more destroying take place.
Ever.
There is a good chance it will be just Dylan and I for the rest of our lives. I may never get married and he may never have a father figure, but he will have so much more because I never sold us short. It's my responsibility to choose someone that will compliment us, respect what Dylan and I have together, and never stand in the way of our connection with one another. It is my responsibility to show Dylan how strong women behave. To show him what kind of people we need around and who to disregard.
It is my responsibility to remember where we came from and to recognize all of our blessings.
I would like to think that we are survivors, we are warriors, and we are worthy of someone who respects that and wants to join the fight.
I would like to think all single moms recognize this in themselves. Companionship is just a detail. Parenthood is what really matters.
In closing, I would like to say that, when dating single moms, you are either with us or against us. You will either enrich ours and our children's lives, or you will bring us down. It takes a special breed of man to love a woman and her child the way they deserve, and if you aren't that kind of man, it's ok. If you are a single mom and you don't feel you deserve someone like this... (which so many of us do)...you SO DO. Everyone is entitled to unconditional and true love. Some of us just have a tough road finding it.
"Those who escape hell never talk about it...and nothing much bothers them after that." - Charles Bukowski
You know Sarah, it may sound like I am just saying this just to say it, but you are not hiding this "image" from anyone. I stand back and look at your whole situation and take all of it in to consideration whenever I talk to you. I wouldn't say I'm walking on egg shells, but I do like to think that I try and be respectful, and to an extent towards Dylan as well through my conversations with you. It's completely obvious your devotion to Dylan and it is to be admired.
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to write an entire comment filled with compliments on what you are, rather maybe who you are. Like I said, this all probably seems like something any guy would say, but I'm not any guy. I actually do see the whole picture. I think a saw a great quote that fitted your description last week. Yes, here it is: "Her TRUE beauty, beyond what I see through my own eyes, a heart and a mind that attracts my soul and tickles my funny bone, can NOT possibly be captured by a mere mortal as myself in the blink of my camera's eye....." pretty good writer I'd say.
I'm only giving my two cents, but I've always been the type of person who has always said that you could give me an unbelievably gorgeous model, but if she has no heart, soul, or sense of humor I'd find her ugly.
All I'm saying is that it takes an amazing individual to make as many sacrifices you do and have done to guarantee the love and well being for your child. You have every right to decide when and if you are ready to bring someone else in to your life. The time, the place, and the moment.
wow, I think I just did write a whole comment kissing your ass. But you make it difficult cause YOU ARE SUCH AN INCREDIBLE WRITER!
ya..what he said...smoochie boochies
ReplyDeleteGreat post, beautifully written and it rings with truth for me. My younger sister was a single mom for almost five years. I witnessed exactly the struggle you describe with her situation. She has since found someone new and had two more kids with him over the last four years, but she still has to work hard to balance the "insurmountable" love you describe for Riley (her first son) with the place the new additions to her family hold in her heart and their life.
ReplyDeleteTo me (as the child of divorced parents, and from my sister's experience), this whole paragraph, but especially this sentence, is the part of your post worth clinging to, and building from:
"...I may never get married and he may never have a father figure, but he will have so much more because I never sold us short...." Go yell it from the mountaintops! Settling is always a bad idea. Settling because you think your son needs "a man" in his life is a slippery path to hell.
That said, Jenny Lewis puts it best "To be lonely is a habit, like smoking or taking drugs. And I've quit them both, but man was it tough." The moral of those lyrics to me is that it is too easy to settle for the perceived emotional safety of singlehood, but in the long run it can be dehabilitating. That doesn't mean settling, it means making sure you aren't satisfied with being alone. Love: romantic love, parental love, a friend's love, all of these things make us better people. Giving up on any of them runs the risk of leaving one a crippled human being. Good to see you haven't.
DeBord