There are so many things I want Dylan to know and understand. The unfortunate thing is that sometimes, life has to teach him instead. The major roadblock I have met while being his parent is that I cannot always prepare him for things with certainty. I have always felt like knowledge is empowering in every situation, under any circumstance. Sending him out into the world without as much information as I can is negligent parenting.
I have found myself in so many situations where the only thing I can think is : "how did this happen? how on EARTH did this happen?" And then I realize that I am tremendously unprepared. So many things along the way I have missed. Maybe no one taught me. Maybe I didn't listen. Maybe no one else saw this situation coming either. I don't want Dylan to feel that way.
As time goes on, I will most likely learn that just because I am his mother, I cannot protect him from everything. But I will be damned if I'm not going to try.
I recently went to Dylan's spring musical. He had to dress up like a geek. I dreaded going. As I dread going to all school functions. (It's amazing how out-of-place I still feel as an adult) But, as I sat there listening to all the squeaky-voiced third graders, I couldn't believe he was already in third grade. I was filled with happiness. I wished I could freeze time forever and be subjected to a lifetime of terribly out-of-tune musical productions in rooms with pushy parents with cameras for the rest of eternity, as long as I could keep him little.
I was so proud of him and who he is. I wish I could keep him with me forever.
I've never been so in love with a geek before.
Easter is next weekend. This weekend is full of family activities and football games and practices. Slowly, I have stopped complaining. I am learning to love the hectic family life. I am learning to accept when things don't happen as I think they should and to see the blessing in togetherness. I am less spoiled. I am more grateful. It's simpler that way.
I feel myself sometimes sliding my eyes suspiciously at God, knowing there is a lesson in hardship, knowing I have taken so much advantage of things without realizing it. Every day, I am learning more lessons. Every single day.
"God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way. The way we learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underlying them." - Stanley Lindquist
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