The Way Things Are

Dylan is my son and I marvel at his perfection. He is a teacher for me. We have a sacred trust, a holy connection, and a daily trip of surrender.

This is big love.

I used to enjoy the sunlight but now it is blocked by a swingset.

I take the threat of war personally now that i have a child.

I never thought I would've wished I had a c-section until I heard his precious voice say "Hey momma? How did you get me out of your belly?"

I never thought twice about silly things, such as petty theivery.

However, on a trip to Gap about 3 years ago, I got to the car and put my sleeping toddler in his car seat. I quietly walk to the back of the car and start to collapse the stroller to find a $6.95 rubber duck in the basket of the stroller, which I did not purchase, despite the fact that Dylan was enamored with him.
This incident still haunts me and I have not set foot in a Gap since...not even gap.com...not even a gap outlet store.

I sat there for about 24 seconds and drove right home.

I remember thinking "am I setting a bad example for my son for not paying for a $6.95 duck? am I single handedly causing inflation because i didn't want to wake a sleeping child?"

He was two. and I really don't think that kind of conversation would cause nothing but pain, agony, and torture. Who wants to put themself through that?

"Honey, do you see this duck here? Mommy took it. that's right. she stole it because she was too lazy to get you out of the car and stroll you back into the store to give back the duck. So I'm probably going to go to Hell for this, but I just wanted you to know that stealing is bad and wrong. Now go back to making pancakes out of playdoh and peeing on the floor."

I never thought i would have a clear conscious about stealing until i had a child.

I never thought i would count the number of sprinkles on a cupcake to make sure they were the same for dylan as everyone else in his class.

I never thought i would pray ketchup was a vegetable.

I never thought there were words as amazing as "wonderbelly" and "sillydelicious" until dylan, now they are commonplace for me and are used in serious and silly situations alike.

I never thought i would hear his tiny voice over a room of 300 talking people.
I never knew legos could be digested, but duplos could not.
I never knew to always check the oven before turning it on.

I never knew cats can get dizzy and vomit up twice their body weight before dylan.

I never knew the beauty of blanket on sundays, tiny fingernails, and hearing him need me. I never thought i would tell a patient to go potty.

I never thought I could love deeper than I ever have, even when I squeeze my eyes shut as tight as I can, I can't find the words.

I never thought just he and I would be enough, but it is plenty, and anyone else who comes along is just a bonus.

I never knew hearing "happy birthday to you" sung to me while I pee would be so beautiful.

One day, dylan was spinning in circles.
"It's my gift!" he declared.
Dizzy, he fell with spectacular gracelessness.
Laying on his back on the tile floor, he began flapping his arms and legs
"Falling down is also a gift!" says he.

I've never scoffed at skinny jeans until i was a mother.

I never tried on a pair of jeans and felt a little piece of me die inside as I laughed at myself for even bothering trying to be cool.
...Partially because the only person who I really want to think I am cool is dylan...
and partially because he really is the only person who thinks I'm cool
and it's only because he doesn't know any better
yet.

I never knew gas stations sold cheez-its...
(anything to shut him up)
until Dylan

I never thought I would lose some of the friends I've had because of being a mom. Perhaps it isn't because i am a mom, but because of making them listen to the "fruit salad" wiggles song over and over in my car.

I never knew life could be so fulfilling. never in a million years. And I am abundantly blessed because of a 63 pound young man who loves me like no one else ever will.